cleaning out the mind closets

Life is wonderful right now. I can honestly say I am so so happy. We are remodeling our kitchen & doing it ourselves. I am having so much fun!! I never knew what I was capable of! However, holy cow what a mess :) There is absolutely drywall dust EVERYWHERE!! most days, there is a huge mess of drywall or wood and sawdust that I clean up and I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping it liveable but it's starting to get to me. I can tell it is, because I have urges to clean things I have never considered cleaning before. suddenly I want to organize all the old picture frames and junk on the bottom of the book shelves. and organize the pantry! I have never in my life felt or thought of having an organized pantry! who cares? well I guess now I do : )
I feel that right now my life is in a state of cleansing and renewal. This morning (it's almost 5 a.m.) I found myself digging into the corners and dust bunnies of my brain. Holy crap, there are still some big scary snotty boogers with red bloodshot eyes lurking up in there! and I'm thinking.."seriously?? after all that therapy!? still?? haha! Do people normally deal with their childhood issues at my age? Am I dwelling or dealing? hmm.
Yesterday Morning my Dad called me and he sounded sad and somber. He calls me all the time and he ALWAYS sounds happy and is just hilarious and a joy to talk to. The missionaries in my ward have been pestering us to make a mormon.org profile, so I did and I posted it to facebook with missionary intentions. I was really happy with it, because it came out well and really is my pure testimony (not in it's entirety). My Patriarchal blessing says that I should "bare my testimony to all who will hear my voice." So I was excited for a perfect opportunity to share.
Anyway, my Dad had read it, it mentions my childhood issues, and he felt really bad. It was so hard to hear him hurt. He was so sweet and again said how sorry he was and that he would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. I felt so bad! Because it's not even like that to me! I forgive him completely! I would not go back and change things if I could and I am so grateful for the path that has lead to me who I am. I love my Dad so much! honestly he is one of my favorite people! He calls me with stupid jokes and brightens my day all the time. But mostly, he cares about my life and what's going on in it. That gives me a huge sense of importance in the world where sometimes I feel like just one of a billion Moms. I'm proud that I am like my Dad, that I like to work hard and that my hands are rough from it. We both can't sleep because we get so excited for the next day to start sometimes. I learned from my Dad how to talk to anyone, to feel comfortable enough that everyone is a friend. I love to find that we both do the same kinds of secret project acts of kindness to show love. I love the goofy side of me and the fun stuff that comes from him. I love that he's a huge 6' 4" man and he cries like a baby at anything spiritual and loves a juicy bit of gossip. I love to give him a hug and know how much he misses me too. I love my Dad. I don't even connect him with the bad stuff that happened anymore. This morning, as I lied there and swept the bad memories of scary things out into the middle of my mind because I wanted to see if I had unjustly hurt my Dad's feelings, I realized again that those scary things really did happen and that It's for real that I should really be proud of the person I have become despite the way things were. That is the important lesson and those awful memories... Don't deserve my attention anymore. I wish I could color them blue and label them "forgiven" for next time they creep out of their corners.
What a beautiful life this is. For real.
I know how blessed I am .
Know that I love you and have a blessed day.

Sacrifice

I feel extremely blessed. I had cleaning ladies come yesterday and so I am on cloud nine. it is incredibly gratifying to know that it takes 3 women 3 hours of hard labor to get my house clean. no wonder I cant do it myself and take care of the kids and make dinner too. :)
It's cheesy but I find myself thinking about spiderman. When the grampa tells him "with great strength comes great responsibility." I feel like this applies to me in the way that "With great blessings come great responsibility." I know I have had my challenges and still do but I feel more grateful and unworthy of my life than challenged. And so I feel a push to earn it, if that makes sense? like you're taught by challenges, so if I don't want those, than I should challenge myself by doing good and sharing my blessings. Don't know if that makes sense or sounds proud, but whatever. Anyway, I don't know in what form those opportunities will come in my life but I'm thinking about it especially right now, and also, the ever present question of, how much can you really help someone. I think its a lot more complicated than I once thought.
I keep thinking about the cleaning ladies. They are 3 women (related to each other somehow) that are Cuban I think. They speak only Spanish. I believe they are Pentecostal because they wear skirts and the little head doily. I have wanted a tattoo for a while. One that symbolizes my trials and blessings and relationship to God, but also, looks rad. I do not feel that I would do it out of rebellion. I have lots of reasons for this that are personal and DO NOT want a scolding from anyone in the comments. period. thank you. I know that it would bother people I am close to, and that it sends a certain message to certain folks which is not positive. a lot of me doesn't care but it is enough that I take it into consideration. especially today, because watching these women clean, scrub a bathtub in a skirt, has opened my eyes to that type of sacrifice. How easy would it be to say, well I'm a housekeeper, I need to wear pants to work, but because they didn't do that... I can't speak to them and they can't speak to me but I know that they have love and dedication to God. And I just ..love that and want to emulate it. However, not ready to take out my nose ring just yet :) it's a process this life, right? . anyway. love you. have a great day.!!
xoxox
Brooke

spring craziness :)

Our Easter was uneventful. We kept it super simple because life has been crazy lately & Sam was throwing up that morning. Things have been crazy in an awesome way though. At the beginning of march Lucy and I went to AZ for a week to see my sister Teri & her family. When we got back we all went up to GA for my friend's huge 40th b-day party, then my Dad and his wife came. When I see my dad interact with my kids, I can't believe all of my siblings survived childhood. He's so cute and sweet but completely retarded with kids. Lucy was throwing a tantrum because she was hungry & he tried to give her a piece of cheese off the end of a butcher knife! haha. glad I was there for that. he does that stuff all the time. They came to watch our kids while we went on a cruise which was AMAZING of course. we both gained like friggen 10 pounds. We swam with stingrays!! We held them and kissed them! That was the coolest thing I've ever done. And my step mom Tammie is the best Grandma!
My two friends Ashley & Anna came out here for a week to celebrate Ashley's one year of being sober. I can't tell you how wonderful it was and that it is that she's okay :) The boys birthdays happened during that time. We had a combined party for them at the roller skating rink. Lucy LOVED skating & we couldn't believe how well she did, especially when their smallest skates were huge on her! Last week Janet came for a couple of days. It was really nice. We talked a lot and we took her canoeing. I was impressed that she got in & went swimming in the swampy river with the alligators and giant turtles. We are finding some really rad stuff to do out here and amazing restaurants!
We are working on our next adoption. We got our home study just about done & are getting really excited. Don't have quite enough money yet, but I'm sure it will work out. we finally got Lucy's tax credit back which felt like a huge miracle that it came right when we need it to pay for the next one :) I'm pretty obsessed with adoption & was just reading on this site with special needs orphans in Russia & China that need help http://reecesrainbow.org/. I think if everyone saw these pictures of these kids, no one would ever drink or do drugs while pregnant. It is tragic and makes me furious. They aren't all caused by that but some are.
Me & Sam just got back from a date. We went to see "Rio" It was super good. & then we went to Coldstone & talked about locomotive trains which are replacing Thomas. what else.. potty training Lucy, painting the toy room light purple. Paul won his tennis game tonight & everyone cheered when he made a hard shot. he loved it!

books: just finished the first 3 books of the "Left Behind" series. It was super interesting just way too dang long. It was written by a minister and is a fictional novel but follows very closely to the book of revelations. So the end of the world is played out in novel form. loved it & it made me nervous :)
Also, I'm reading "the Color of Water" which is a black man's tribute to his white mother. So insightful for me. My dear aunt Bonnie sent it to me.
movies: best scary movie ever!! Insidious!! screamed out loud in the theater like 10 times. (so did everyone else) ghost suspense scary not evil scary. awesome!
Great documentary ; exit through the gift shop. It's about street art. loved it.

lessons

Yesterday in Relief society, they were giving a lesson on, actually, I'm not sure what it was on? Simplifying your life or relationships? anyway, it was wonderful. Lots of reminders to slow down and not do so much, which is sort of what I have been trying to make myself do this past year. I find myself making huge to do lists and having ridiculous expectations for myself each day. When I had my panic attacks, I was freaking out that I wasn't getting anything done & everyone kept saying "you don't HAVE to do anything!" And I found that it was true. all these projects and errands and cleaning are not have to things, and most of them can wait! I can give myself time to read and to play with the kids and to go for a walk and to do the project I want to do rather than the one I think needs doing the most. I keep saying, "dude I've lost my give a damn!" and I love it! You would think that now I am super lazy, but not at all! I find that I have time to do the things I want to do instead, also a huge part of that is Tina the cleaning lady :) Yeah I know, you hate me. he he. also, i make my kids clean a lot more than i used to.
Also in the lesson, relationships were discussed. To strengthen the 4 most important relationships in your life (1) with God (2) with your family (3) with your neighbor and (4) with yourself. I made this comment about the relationship with yourself and all the ladies made a sound! an "I love that sound." I didn't realize it was so profound! but, actually it is, so I will write it here.
Several years ago, I had been teaching primary. I was having a horrible, emotional day and the lesson went terribly. I left my class and went outside to go home. This wonderful lady, who's daughter was in my class, stopped me and asked me what was wrong. I poured my heart out and basically just beat myself up. This wonderful lady,Trishia Farr, told me to "stop that right now! There is a little girl still inside of you that you need to be nice to!" She had me put in my mind a picture of myself as a little girl and she said, " Who's going to protect her but you? Heavenly Father loves that little girl!" And I often think of that when I beat myself up. I need to protect that sweet little girl from me. Now, sit and picture your own little girl self and do something nice for her today!

getting peed on after being vomited on

last week, I awoke in the middle of the night to my darling Sam vomiting on my forehead. He's 5 and I love him more than the world. He is so soft and so cute and so quirky and grouchy and he has the best laugh and sense of humor of any 5 year old ever.
So this week, we drove down to cocoa beach to watch the discovery shuttle launch! It was about 3 hours from our house and just a perfect beach day. it was about 75* and sunny and gorgeous and I had my Paul and Danielle and April there and all the kids! It was a wonderful day that will never be forgotten. for a couple of reasons ; The shuttle launch was awesome! And what happened on the drive down...
Fisher was riding in April's car so me and Paul just had Sam and Lucy. I was driving and we had just got off the freeway in Orlando and into the launch traffic. Paul was going to be late for his surfing lesson, we were out of gas and figuring out that there wasn't a gas station for twenty miles when Sam tells us he has to pee RIGHT NOW. We are in stop and go traffic so I said he should just pee in a water bottle (we do this sometimes). But Paul was looking for a gas station on his phone and so he handed him a big gulp cup. So Sam was very nervous and he tried to put the cup on the seat and stand up to pee in it, but Lucy kept grabbing the cup! Paul was yelling at him to just get away from Lucy, so I just reached back and said I'd hold the cup. Paul is still messing with his phone and I am driving and holding the cup behind me. Then my arm is very warm. then we hear the cup filling, and then we hear nothing and then we hear filling and then splash Paul in the front seat. He starts freaking out and yelling as my arm and seats are hosed again and then we hear the cup filling once more. Paul is furious and flabbergasted. But he has only been splashed. I am dripping in urine and so is MY car! I started laughing so hard I couldn't stop. apparently, you need that bottle shape to tame wayward streams. bless his cute little heart.

Derby

SO I have been in training since October. Holy cow that's a long time! They call in training "fresh meat". I told them I think I am the fresh meat Mascot forever! This is the hardest thing I have ever done!! And I am still just learning to be a competent enough skater. I think it usually takes a lot less time to train then I am taking. There are a couple things that are not in my favor ; #1 I am physically pretty retarded. #2 half of the practices right now occur on Sunday, which means I can only go to practice once a week.
Reasons that it is so dang hard.
* I have never physically exerted myself to the point of sweating much before and I don't much enjoy it.
* I generally get pretty pissed when I get hurt.
* I am nice.
I am feeling pretty patient with myself and am super excited and enjoying the process of getting better all the time, I only worry that the girls don't think I'm serious. I doubt they have any idea how stinking out of my comfort zone I am.
The huge reason that this is hard... Derby girls aren't super friendly.
I go to practice and no one talks to me. They all chat with each other. some of the girls won't smile when I say something funny or they give me one word answers when I ask them about themselves. There are a few that are Wonderfully nice to me though & it means a ton! Stocky Balboa, Rage, Patsy Clothesline & mostly Scrap iron. She's my favorite.

but for the most part, these girls are a different breed.
I have more kids than anyone else and am one of maybe 5 that are married or have kids at all. They are mostly very sporty girls, lots are gay and or have unshaved armpits, which is cool. They are not for the most part lured into derby for the fashion like a certain someone :) I don't know why they don't seem to like me, I think it's more of just disinterest. it doesn't bother me until I'm in physical pain and super exhausted, then I get really irritated. but derr! what did I expect? Anyway, That is how it's going. I can now jump and skate a crossover well, weave through cones, and fall and stop in several fancy and different ways. Reasons that I will keep going;
*It's rad to feel myself getting stronger and more capable.
*It's an interesting social experiment.
*I can't wait to knock some hos down! I'm sorry if this post makes me less cool in your eyes. I'll be a cooler derby girl soon I promise!

The Best Day Ever

I've been meaning to post about this for a couple months. So finally, I'm back! I feel like this new house is coming together and I can breathe a little.
This one is sort of an update of a previous post. The one entitled "Dishes" that I never thought would come to anything. Oh my gosh It came to be the best thing ever.

It was, I think, the end of June. I was supposed to go have lunch at Jennifer's house. I was late. I sorted pottery to Deliver, ran Sammy to Nathan's and got to her house about 25 minutes late. I was feeling so bad for being late. I ran up to the house with my arms full of junk and Jennifer opened the door for me, I breezed through to the kitchen, apologizing for my lateness and feeling like a mess when I noticed everyone standing up at the dining room table. I said something like " Oh no, you aren't waiting to start lunch are you?" I put down all my stuff and walked back in & saw Donna start to cry. Jennifer said, "Well, yes because you're our guest of honor." and I looked around the table and saw all of my beautiful friends standing there starting to cry. I just could not believe it. I couldn't believe this was for me. I felt like I should be crying but I was just so surprised! I went around the table and hugged everyone and when I got to standing behind my seat, commenting on how surprised I was and how beautiful everything was, I looked down at the table and noticed the dishes. It took me a minute to put it together and Jennifer said "and these are your new dishes." And my breathe caught & I felt more loved and more special than I can ever remember feeling. I just stood there and sobbed. and so did everyone else! which I loved. They all went around and told me how they felt about me and about their set of dishes. It was all so gorgeous!

Jennifer's were pink and white with roosters. Danielle's were a bold mix of colors. Donna's had pictures of awesome places to travel. Sara's were star wars complete with Darth Vader mug and original collectors plate. Kim's were a beautiful beach washed white and she made me this gorgeous black and white dessert stand. Kathryn's had pictures of the Eiffel tower. Marj's were her special China she had saved for years ago. April's were her own family set with an awesome red bowl & black bowl she added. This meant so much because she talked about how one of her dishes would be missing and she would think of me. Pam's we're white & gold tea set style. I got two other sets from my best childhood friend Suzie & from my friend Shannon. Each of these sets of dishes are so very unique and just scream of each wonderful friend. I think of them as I eat breakfast from their bowls. I talk about them at the dinner table with new friends who I hope can someday hold a candle to these girls. And when I am sad or I miss their hugs, I close my eyes and go back to standing behind my seat at the table looking at all their crying loving faces. I miss you guys!

The road to perfection, Expectaions, Trials and Faith

I gave this talk in church today. It was well received :)

The Road to Perfection

Expectations and faith

---When I was engaged and first married, I worked as a dialysis technician.

· The patients came in 3 x’s a week . They were all older people and they would tell me their stories. I quickly noticed a theme of great hardship in their stories, all of them! …

· Betty,

was my first real southerner. She had to leave her home in Tennessee when her husband, who she married at the age of 14 died.

* Sharon,

who had a wonderful laugh, had 9 children who she took with her every day to clean houses to earn enough money to feed them all.

* Howard

wife’s cancer went into remission just as Howard lost his kidneys as a result of his cancer.

-These were some of my favorite patients because of their sweet demeanors and bright outlook on life. They just each seemed calm and easy.

These patients and all the others had all had good times but they all had had heartbreaking, and difficult times too.

I was hoping for a blissful life with my new best friend and I did not want to have a story like all of these. But I felt that I inevitably would!

I want to talk about expectations about this life and the kind of faith & trust in the Lord that we need.

I approached my future with bit of fear, some approach the future with blissful ignorance or with a resolve to make all the right choices and avoid life’s pitfalls. Some go in armed with preparation and an attitude that thy will get through it with the Lords help.

--what were your expectations when you left home or got married?

Very few start out life planning or hoping for; extreme financial trouble, fights with their spouse, infertility, infidelity, depression, illness etc.

--So what can we expect?

Henry B. Eyring, “Adversity,” Liahona, May 2009,

-----Tells us that we can expect an education…

“It is clear that for us to have that gift of Eternal life and to be given that trust, we must be transformed through making righteous choices where that is hard to do. We are prepared for so great a trust by passing through trying and testing experiences in mortality. That education can come only as we are subject to trials while serving God and others for Him.

In this education we experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, the sadness from sin and the joy of forgiveness. That forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which we can only faintly comprehend.”

James E. Faust, “Where Do I Make My Stand?,” Liahona, Nov 2004,

--Tells us that it will be a bumpy road but that we will be guided.

“President Howard W. Hunter once said, “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.” 16 None of us knows the wisdom of the Lord. We do not know in advance exactly how He would get us from where we are to where we need to be, but He does offer us broad outlines in our patriarchal blessings. We encounter many bumps, bends, and forks in the road of life that leads to the eternities. There is so much teaching and correction as we travel on that road. Said the Lord, “He that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.” 17 “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.” 18

---Why do bad things happen to good people?

President Foust says…

“Dr. Arthur Wentworth Hewitt suggested some reasons why the good suffer as well as the wicked: “First: I don’t know. Second: We may not be as innocent as we think. Third: … I believe it is because He loves us so much more than He loves our happiness. (repeat) How so? Well, if on a basis of strict personal return here and now, all the good were always happy and all the bad suffered disaster (instead of often quite the reverse), this would be the most subtle damnation of character imaginable.” 1

President Kimball gave this insightful explanation as to why:

“If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency. … There would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.” 2

---Quentin L. Cook, “‘Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time’,” Ensign, Nov 2008

Expanding on the purpose of trials...

“One of the essential doctrines illuminated by the Restoration is that there must be opposition in all things for righteousness to be brought to pass.2 This life is not always easy, nor was it meant to be; it is a time of testing and proving. As we read in Abraham, “And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”

----How do we handle it when hard times come?

President Faust

“ Some, because they lack faith or understanding of the eternal plan, become bitter and lose hope. One such was a 19th-century writer who achieved both success and wealth with his dazzling wit and writing style. His wife came from a religious family, and he wanted to have faith in God but wasn’t really sure God existed. Then he was hit by a series of crushing blows. In 1893 a national financial crisis left him deeply in debt. His oldest daughter died while he was on a speaking tour. His wife’s health failed, and she died in 1904. His youngest daughter died in 1909. His own health declined. His writing, which had formerly been so full of sparkle, now reflected his bitterness. He became progressively depressed, cynical, and disillusioned and remained so until his death in 1910. With all his brilliance, he lacked the inner strength to deal with adversity and simply resigned himself to his misfortunes.

It’s not so much what happens to us but how we deal with what happens to us. That reminds me of a passage from Alma. After a long war “many had become hardened,” while “many were softened because of their afflictions.” 8 The same circumstances produced opposite responses.

-----President Eyring, “Adversity,” Liahona, May 2009, Concerning how we handle our trials

"I have seen faith and courage come from a testimony that it is true that we are being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful disciples. And the disciple who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle."

Like the Lamanites and the Nephites, we can go through hard things and gain nothing but anger or confusion. Or we can learn much.

· For the past 15 years at least, I have battled depression. I know I am not alone in this, so today I am compelled to share a bit.

I always wanted to fight it and keep it at bay so I could handle whatever things would come in my life. During the past couple of months, it developed into a severe anxiety disorder and I realized that this is my trial. I know it isn’t or won’t be my only one but I have learned a great deal about this life and about heavenly Father from it so far.

I was having daily panic attacks, which consist of, for me, racing thoughts, shaking and thrashing about, and hyperventilating. For weeks I was basically frozen in depression and fear. Some of my friends and family thought that this was the work of the devil or that an evil spirit was using my depression to hurt my family. I believed it and felt too weak to fight it. I got worse after that.

Then someone said “Is it possible that this is the Lord, not the Devil, using this as a tool in your life?

We discussed the possible goodnesses that could come from it. Humility, empathy, closeness to Christ. And I realized that I had never prayed so much or felt so desperate for the Lords help. Ever since I realized that this is a trial, given to me as a gift to change me into whoever it is I am supposed to be, so that I can do whatever it is I am supposed to do. I am suddenly accepting and grateful for something I have hated for as long as I can remember. As I am learning to trust the Lord completely, I feel like a new person.

Alma said “I behold that ye are lowly in heart; and if so, blessed are ye.”

----Job Said, speaking of the Lord, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him,” 12 and, “He also shall be my salvation.” 13 Job attested, “For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: and though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.” 14 Job completely trusted the Lord to take care of all of the other concerns.

President Faust;

“As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.” 19 Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord."

------Walk with me, Elaine L Jack, 1994, said of our rewards…

“The fruits of eternal progress are manifest in Joy, peace love, hope and increased confidence in the Lord.”

Doctrine and Covenants 68:6

Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.

***I ask you to look at a hard thing in your life and find the good in it. I believe that if we have reasonable expectations of our lives and the faith to enjoy the ride and “give it to God” That we will be blessed. I have a testimony that we can trust and rely on the Lord in good times
and bad. He knows the path our lives will take and if we can keep our chin up and continue to love him and do his work, our lives will have been beautiful and purposeful. I know that Heavenly Father loves each of you and has a plan for you. I love you all so much and will miss you each terribly but will take you with me in my heart. I love the Lord and his Gospel. I will leave you with a wonderful poem..

*
My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

*

breathe

it is 6:00 am and I am awake as usual fighting a panic attack. I've done it every morning but one for the last month. Most days I win but this week it's no good. whenever I go ti write here about things like this I hesitate & think I should put it in my journal instead. However, I feel alone when I feel crazy & maybe one of y'all do to.
Every morning I wake up way before I've had enough sleep an I'm shaking and sometimes nauseous & sometimes I can't breathe. I immediately feel scared fro what's to come & my mind races. what to do and how to make it stop. I get scared, frustrated, sad and angry. every morning. today is bad. Usually I try to distract myself with cleaning or getting the kids ready for school and then I go walking at the park which usually fixes me for the rest of the day. usually I'm fine by noon. well the last two days, it's lasted much longer and that terrifies me. the worse things get the more scared I get and then the worse I get. It's still to dark to go walking. I'm shaking and crying and afraid for what the morning holds and if this will ever end. I feel helpless and out of control. I know it's a cycle of fear but I don't have the stregth or knowledge to stop it right now. I thought writing would help but I'm getting worse.
I can't do this alone & the drugs aren't helping. I took an ambien last night and half a xanax this morning. nothing. Paul is wonderful & helpful. I'm scared to imagine if he wasn't here.
sorry for the Debbie Downer post. waah waah.

people & music I love

lately music is my favorite thing. It saves my day all the time. The right song can take me back in time, make my work go faster, make me wanna dance, fill my heart back up or remind me of a friend. I love my Ipod. I love it more than chocolate cake.
Yesterday me & Micheal Jackson cleaned the house and made pottery, a fantastic day. My favorite thing is that , suddenly I can be transported to different places and usually they are awesome. I bet you didn't know that we've spent time together recently...
Dave Mathews comes on and I am in highschool in michelle's living room watching BJ & michelle dance & sing it out. I'm skinny on the couch & I can smell Michelle's hair & hear her laugh.
Crocodile Rock (Elton John) I'm in the back of Teri's expedition with Madie as she sings her little 7 year old heart out "Laaaaaa la la la la laaa, la la la la laaa."
Carrie Underwood, Before he cheats, I'm on stage at B-52's karaoke bar with April. We're singing a duet because she used to be chicken. I can see her dance in her adorable and careful way.
Dixie chicks, landslide. I'm in the Starship theater parking lot with my sister Heather & she says "ughhh! I hate this song!!!" she hates fleetwood mac too. sometimes I wonder if we're the same species. But there is a country song I love but can't think of right now, her husband sang it in her ear as they danced at they're wedding. it takes me back there, I'm self conscious of my acne and I envy the heck out of her.
Mariah carey, who I can't stand, reminds me of Marj, I have learned to like a whole genre of annoying songs you'd hear at a multicultural makeout point. because they make me picture cute marj dancing in her kitchen. it smells like garlic cilantro & dryer sheets.
Both Micheal Jackson and the Delicious George Micheal remind me of Teri. Teri has awesome music taste and introduced me to both. George Micheal's "Amazing", I'm 15 in AZ with her in the front seat of the car & we're dancing & I wish we weren't almost home.
Abba, I'm in the back of the car with Jeffey watching Ashley and Celeste sing in the front seats. a super fun night.
Dixie chicks, How long do you wanna be loved, Is Sam, he's about 18 months old & I'm rocking him & Dancing in the kitchen & loving him to pieces.
Sarah Evans, I'm at her concert with Ashley outside trying to hook her up with an adorable country boy sitting in front of us. One of the best concerts ever. I love my Ashley.
Anna, is Ozzy Osborne and Axle Rose. Axle Rose, I hear Beef singing along all high. Anna is such a rock star.
John Mayer & Lily Allen remind me of Alex who is also an amazing music finder.
Guster reminds me of Jason.
Charlotte church, I'm in my pottery class with Merideth & she's humming along as she works.
Meet Virginia, Train, among a thousand other songs remind me of my Paul & how he loves me for the reasons I don't. Dixie Chicks, wide open space, we're in Provo about 12 years ago in Paul's crappy car & he had learned the song so he could sing & "geek out" with me in the car. I can still hear him sing and smell the stale boy car smell & feel how I adored him.
Many songs and recently one Hallelujah by Rufus Wainright takes me to many places and reminds me of how everythings going to be okay and how Heavenly Father has always been with me. The other day I was walking the track at clinton park with my darling ipod & daisy and this song made me stop & sob & thank the Lord. I know that song will always take me back there.
Cripes! it's almost 9! I need to go make a spectacular cake that looks like a snake!
Have a great day & listen to some music! oooh, tell me what music reminds you of me !

Dishes

It has been a REALLY long time since I posted. I've had a rough couple of months so most of the thoughts I would have posted are either too personal and or a huge drag :)
BUT! today I have something I am excited about. Last night again I was told "Brooke you need dishes" by Marj. I realized I have been told this by Teri, Janae, Paul, Marj already and several others. This is kind of funny because I am uniquely qualified to make more dishes let alone buy them!
sometimes I have 15 people or so here for dinner and I don't even have a set of 4 plates that match and the bowl and cup situation is much worse. Paul thinks we should get rid of everything and get a huge new set when we move. I didn't realize that I was sentimental about this but I will never do that!!!
There is a brown glass cup with square cup patterns that I stole from my moms in my cupboard at some point. This is the set we had when I was growing up and I love that cup. It is butt ugly but I feel so much for it! I have a pair of black bowls that ended up here when I was babysitting my friend Shannan's dog & we were supposed to use them for the dog, but then I washed them & meant to give them back & never did. whenever I use one, I think of Shannan. nope, I will not be returning them.
And so I have decided on the perfect plan. I will make each of my best friends give me one of thier plates or cups that I have used at their house for dinner, so when I move and hopefully have 8 or so new friends for dinner, I will set the table with 8 completely different plates from past friends & family and I will end up with a table table of 16. I think it will be whimsical and a perfect conversation piece. and if we are not using my $30 costco table & folding chairs, I can make it look great! And I can make myself supplement with pottery. anyway, I'm excited! so give me your dishes!

In the Care of Women

This has been one of the scariest few days that I can remember. This week I lost the baby.
I started to spot on Sunday night and Paul had to go to Florida the next Morning for an interview.
I was left in the care of my Sisters here and I bawl as I try to even describe what They did. One took my kids swimming while Another held my hand, hugged me and rubbed my back while I heard the bad news. One kindly explained that there was nothing I could have done while the Other soothed Lucy who knew something was wrong. Later that day, One took me to a comforting lunch and made me laugh while others called and worried and cared. That night one cleaned and watched the baby as I slept and cried and others shopped, brought muffins and prepared. Another came and talked and listened and cooked and slept here with me. The next Morning One came & took me to the hospital while the Other kept my house and kids. At the Hospital, One who I'd never met held me & prayed for me and my baby as Another was coming in to talk to me & make me laugh. All while another was watching my kids, cleaning out their closet and doing laundry at the same time that others were calling and cooking and caring and bringing as they all did the rest of that day. I have never in my life been so cared for and felt the Hand of God in my life. I've never seen this much love and the world seems lighter to me than it did last week. Which is amazing.
I feel that what happened was just God's will and I feel peace in my heart and that things are turning in a good direction. I am so Grateful for Women.

TWLOHA

I have been hesitant to write about this subject because it is a personal topic. I have decided though that it is good. I believe that I am so not alone in this thing I deal with and I think this is something that absolutely needs to be talked about by all who have it and should not be something hidden. I have depression which most everyone knows, I'm not a hider : ), more than half of my family has it. It is a really confusing thing though because when I think about the fact that my family has it, it becomes a chicken and egg thing. Is my family dysfunctional because of chemical imbalances or are we sad because of dysfunction? that is beside the point. I think sharing is good though because when you have this, you think, I'm the only one who is a mess, no one understands or would want to and if they knew what I'm really like.... The truth is though, that there are tons of us out there and would love and help each other and accept each others messes if we only knew. My hope is that the average Joe would still love us if they did. Everyone has their own freakshow. I hope.
I have been on antidepressants for about 11 years. The medicine has helped me a lot, but there have also been times where it has not helped. Most of the time I am a happy and fun person with a positive view but every so often, I'd guess about twice a year I'm a mess. at least one episode always happens in the winter. By a mess I mean, I cry at least once a day and feel despair. I feel I am not control of the crying and most of the time there's nothing even wrong. I also get frustrated and impatient with everything, as a result of these things, my self esteem suffers and then I am outright depressed. I think one of the hardest things about having this is reconciling it with who I am. I don't want to be that person. I don't want my kids to have a sad Mom. That's the main thing. and my poor husband. He's going strait to heaven.
So anyway about a year ago, I felt like my prozac wasn't working very well and I was having a lot of side effects, so I switched to wellbutrin. While I was on wellbutrin I was a complete psycho and I believe it made me a lot worse. Then I switched to Zoloft which helped my depression but the side effects were overwhelming, including the dulling of every feeling or emotion. I wasn't able to feel happy or spiritual or excited much, but I wasn't crying either.
My angel of a husband did his research and found a book called the depression cure. I have been doing this method for several months and have done really well. There are six parts of the program
*getting enough sleep
*taking omega 3 fish oil
*getting enough sunlight
*exercising
*social interaction
*not ruminating
I have been off of my pills completely for about a month and a half. I use the light box daily which had regulated my sleep and helped a ton. I do everything else pretty well except the exercise of course which I'm still working on. I have been super happy ever since, feeling more joy and being touched and excited more that I have in years. Paul has been gone this week and I've had a lot of time alone, feeling overwhelmed by kids and missing the summer sun and I think I am slipping into a depression but this time I feel that I have tools to fight it instead of feeling victimized and overwhelmed by it. Now I am discovering RUMINATING. I didn't used to thing I did it, but guess what, I totally do! ruminating is focusing on negative thoughts for extended periods of time. way after it is useful. It happens mostly when your mind is idle. while driving or laying in bed at night. The idea is basically to recognize when you're ruminating and then to distract yourself. It makes sense that this will help a ton. So I will do it.
The title of this post is an acronym for "to write love on her arms" which is a movement to recognize That we all know and love someone or are someone who suffers from depression or addiction, and we love you. I learned about this from Ashley, one of my best friends in the world who is beyond awesome and is suffering pretty bad right now. <3
When I wear my twloha t shirt about town & have to explain to friends what it is, most of the time the reaction is " bummer : ) "
yep. and I apologize. But I hope this is useful to someone.

http://www.twloha.com/faq/

wonderful

Today I met the most wonderful man. I went to walmart to run in & get a movie from the redbox (julie & Julia which I loved) and of course went in & filled my arms with junk. I went to check out & the lines were crazy. I got in the self checkout line which got shorter over time, not because people were checking out but were leaving the line. I finally made it to the front where a woman was trying to scan an enormous cart filled with groceries & the angry machine kept prompting her to wait for assistance. It looked like she would never finish when I realized the pie I had picked out was SUGAR FREE!! da dun dunnn.. so I ran over & switched pies and came back & got in the back of another line. I noticed a man in the line next to mine moving all his groceries to the front of heis cart. He looked up at me with my arms bursting with cereal boxes and pie and said "Here put your groceries in here and go in front of me." I said "well no that's okay. why?" he said. "I saw you waiting before. go ahead." He asked me about my families christmas and told me about his. His wife had surgery & he told me all about his wife & then showed me her picture. It was a family picture with his only daughter in it too. I pointed at her and he said, yes, she's special needs, her name is Brittany, the joy of our life." I told him about Tiffany & we talked about their health a bit. Brittany has spina bifida and is 25. As we walked outside he said Tiffany is a beautiful name & that he knows she's with Jesus. I told him that I thought his daughter was so lucky to have him. He said that they are so blessed to have her. I got in my car and had my yearly Christmas Tiffany cry. I miss her and I feel blessed by her and I feel happy for her. Meeting wonderful strangers gives me more Faith than anything else.

renewing thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about something. I think it is normal to have negative thoughts and to get irritated at thing and people. I have a few people in my life that I am super close to that I will purge my ugly thoughts and feelings to and I have always seen it as a confirmation of our closeness that I can be my ugly self with them & they still love me & do it in return. Recently though, stuff happens and I'm all cheesed or think its a juicy bit & I'll go & call my sister or tell Paul. I used to feel understood & relieved after, but lately, I just feel ugly after. nothing is gained. Why give attention to the ugly things in life? This doesn't sound like me at all! Is this growing up? hmm. I love positive people. but I love real people too. However there is the 13th? article of faith I believe. seeking after things that are lovely or of good report. I think I prefer that and finally understand it. I do not promise you will not hear all kinds of junk coming out my mouth. But I am hoping to become a much more positive person. I can feel Paul praising the Lord right now! bless his heart. he puts up with a lot : )

Disney land!

Here come a million pictures!! We had the best trip ever! The beach was a bit cold but the boys jumped and played in the water, I took a long walk, I layed on Paul's lap & we read our book to each other. we drew pictures & our names in the sand including all the spongebob characters, then me & Sam played Patrick & Spongebob jellyfishing! That was the best. Lucy ate so much sand that you could make a castle from what we're still finding in the diapers : ) She loved it. We went to a dumpy crab place for dinner where the restaurant owner and 6 women all surrounded me & Lucy. I don't want to be a braggy parent but carrying Lucy around is rediculous and was specially at Disney. She gets stared at and even with a sandy afro can draw a crowd that would make Lindsey Lohan blush. Disney got off to a rough start. Sam Paul & Fish stood in line for the Mountain train for exactly one hour & when it was time to get on the ride, Sam freaked out & refused to go so they all didn't go on it. Paul & Sam had it rough for a while after that. Notice the terrified eyebrows on Sam on the Safari ride. So me & Fisher paired up & bonded together. I kept feeling the magic & starting to cry. The Mickey & Walt Disney Statue always gets me. I guess the Zoloft is finally out of my system : ) The castle was SO beautiful. The kids, especially Lucy, loved the light parade. It was weird to be on the rides with my kids. on the small world and the haunted mansion it was like yesterday I was a little girl sitting next to my mom. <3 special. At the end they had fireworks over the castle and they made it snow with bubbles. unforgettable moments.

Flahrida

This year instead of presents we took our little family to Disneyworld for Christmas! We went to sea world today & it was rad. They have a polar express experience where you end up at the north pole. It was so magical with beluga whales and walruses and Santa & a polar bear and hot chocolate. That was Sam's favorite. Shamu was everyone's favorite! For Fisher's souvenir he got a to get an oyster from a diver & then they opened it to give him a real pearl! A real pearl has always been his dream his other dream is to be a Shamu trainer. Lucy has been an angel all day even though she is sick with a terrible cough and cold. Me and Sam went on the Atlantis ride together which was creepy as heck. I felt bad for him but it made him feel brave.
It was like 50 degrees today & the locals say that's really cold for Christmas here. It is sunny and so beautiful. Paul wants to live in Florida forever bbut he thinks his chances of getting a job here are not good. I miss the snow for Christmas a lot this year. Tomorrow we are going to the beach & then the next Day to Disney World!! I cant wait for that! I have a recurring problem though. whenever I'm excited for something like I was last night and I always am Christmas eve & such, I can't go to sleep & then I'm super tired for the exciting thing. dumb! I feel very blessed and happy.

tis the season

Tonight we went out Christmas shopping. It went good and I felt that we were efficient. Sam didn't have as good of time as everyone else and was sent directly to bed when we got home. But this is beside the point. Before target we went to Chick fil-a ( sp? ) where they were having some crazy hubbub where an elementary school was having a fundraiser where the student choir sang happy Christmas music & their parents took up all the tables. It was very happy & Christmassy but there were some seriously bad notes hit by soloists who were obviously chosen via eenie meenie miny mo. This kind of singing makes Paul want to crawl out of his skin, which I enjoy a lot. After we left Paul said, you know that choir director probably spent the last six months working on that. I wonder if he goes home and night & thinks to himself, I'm wasting my life.
I love Paul.

the maiden post

I very recently started a pottery blog for my wee business and was surprised about how easy it was. I wrestle with this blogging idea and don't know why I don't just forget about it. But I'm thinking there might be something to this. I fear that it is narcissistic of me to think that anyone cares about my rambling thoughts. Also I would definitely consider myself "an over sharer". So I apologize in advance if you get more than you bargained for. However, I am finding as I get older that I am forgetting a lot of things in my life. It bothers me a lot that I can't remember my past birthdays or even what happened last weekend. I work really hard to make my days good ones and it feels very wasteful to forget them. And so I feel panicked about the fact that I can't seem to keep journal and that if I did keep one, that it wouldn't be proper for my posterity to read. so I am hoping this will help me to record our little life and to keep it positive : )
This blog name comes from a song that Paul stuck my name into and then started calling me brookelbee afterward. I thought it was fitting. Paul sticks my name in a lot of stupid songs. It's his way of being romantic. which I think it is because he's thinking of me.
My thoughts at the end of today are these. I love my friends. I think it is going to really break my heart to leave here. however I am excited to move for a few reasons. I am excited for a new house. A clean slate and a whole different set of projects to think about instead of the same ones I've been putting off. New rooms to decorate mostly. I like meeting new people a lot but also I really can't imagine meeting ones that will even compare. However I feel like I have grown a ton as a person since I have been here & feel more prepared than I was when we moved here. I am missing the snow a lot this Christmas. I think it would be way fun to see Fish & Sam play in it now that they are grown more and I have a hard time feeling like Christmas is coming without it. So in some ways I am cool with the idea of a big toss up.
My favorite thing about today was dancing to Christmas music with the boys in the kitchen.
p.s. my future posts will be shorter!