it is 6:00 am and I am awake as usual fighting a panic attack. I've done it every morning but one for the last month. Most days I win but this week it's no good. whenever I go ti write here about things like this I hesitate & think I should put it in my journal instead. However, I feel alone when I feel crazy & maybe one of y'all do to.
Every morning I wake up way before I've had enough sleep an I'm shaking and sometimes nauseous & sometimes I can't breathe. I immediately feel scared fro what's to come & my mind races. what to do and how to make it stop. I get scared, frustrated, sad and angry. every morning. today is bad. Usually I try to distract myself with cleaning or getting the kids ready for school and then I go walking at the park which usually fixes me for the rest of the day. usually I'm fine by noon. well the last two days, it's lasted much longer and that terrifies me. the worse things get the more scared I get and then the worse I get. It's still to dark to go walking. I'm shaking and crying and afraid for what the morning holds and if this will ever end. I feel helpless and out of control. I know it's a cycle of fear but I don't have the stregth or knowledge to stop it right now. I thought writing would help but I'm getting worse.
I can't do this alone & the drugs aren't helping. I took an ambien last night and half a xanax this morning. nothing. Paul is wonderful & helpful. I'm scared to imagine if he wasn't here.
sorry for the Debbie Downer post. waah waah.
I know it is inadequate to say "I hope you feel better," but I do. Also, have Janae give you my email so we can talk about treatment and what has helped me immensely. It will get better!!!
ReplyDeleteBrooke, hang in there. I wish we could be closer and help you more! Thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteOh Brooke! I wish I could be there and give you a hug! You will definitely be in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteDid you know I think about you every morning? It is true, every morning when I put on my make-up I flash back to when we were teenagers getting ready for something in your bedroom. We are putting on your wonderful smelling perfume (I loved that stuff Gio? was it) we are also putting on makeup, you are saying it is not possible to put masacara on without opening your mouth really wide, you say it goes on better because your eyes go wide open too, and that way you don't get it on your face. So every morning when I put on my masacara I think of that and sometimes I sit and smile about that memory and I always have a little prayer in my mind for you, hoping you are well and safe and happy as can be. I hope this is just a little bump in your road and that you will find a way to overcome- like you always do. LOVE YOU!!!
ReplyDeleteSuzie-mom
I don't know if you'll even get this comment or not because this post is a month old, but I want you to know that you have a special place in my heart and my life. I've only known you a short time and seen you in brief periods, but you are an AMAZING person. I find myself saying that I wish I could be more like her and as confident in myself as she is. You are also an incredible friend. April is truly blessed to have you in her life. I have to admit there are times that I have been extremely jealous and maybe even resentful that all of you are in her life....and that maybe she would pick all of you over us and maybe she still would, but that's okay because you are her family. You've been there for her in ways that we couldn't and I'm so grateful for you. So when you feel down just remember that there is someone far away that thinks you are one of the most amazing, funny, just plain adorable people that she has ever known. And I hope that I can call you my friend. Tiffany
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