Friday, February 3, 2012

cleaning out the mind closets

Life is wonderful right now. I can honestly say I am so so happy. We are remodeling our kitchen & doing it ourselves. I am having so much fun!! I never knew what I was capable of! However, holy cow what a mess :) There is absolutely drywall dust EVERYWHERE!! most days, there is a huge mess of drywall or wood and sawdust that I clean up and I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping it liveable but it's starting to get to me. I can tell it is, because I have urges to clean things I have never considered cleaning before. suddenly I want to organize all the old picture frames and junk on the bottom of the book shelves. and organize the pantry! I have never in my life felt or thought of having an organized pantry! who cares? well I guess now I do : )
I feel that right now my life is in a state of cleansing and renewal. This morning (it's almost 5 a.m.) I found myself digging into the corners and dust bunnies of my brain. Holy crap, there are still some big scary snotty boogers with red bloodshot eyes lurking up in there! and I'm thinking.."seriously?? after all that therapy!? still?? haha! Do people normally deal with their childhood issues at my age? Am I dwelling or dealing? hmm.
Yesterday Morning my Dad called me and he sounded sad and somber. He calls me all the time and he ALWAYS sounds happy and is just hilarious and a joy to talk to. The missionaries in my ward have been pestering us to make a profile, so I did and I posted it to facebook with missionary intentions. I was really happy with it, because it came out well and really is my pure testimony (not in it's entirety). My Patriarchal blessing says that I should "bare my testimony to all who will hear my voice." So I was excited for a perfect opportunity to share.
Anyway, my Dad had read it, it mentions my childhood issues, and he felt really bad. It was so hard to hear him hurt. He was so sweet and again said how sorry he was and that he would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. I felt so bad! Because it's not even like that to me! I forgive him completely! I would not go back and change things if I could and I am so grateful for the path that has lead to me who I am. I love my Dad so much! honestly he is one of my favorite people! He calls me with stupid jokes and brightens my day all the time. But mostly, he cares about my life and what's going on in it. That gives me a huge sense of importance in the world where sometimes I feel like just one of a billion Moms. I'm proud that I am like my Dad, that I like to work hard and that my hands are rough from it. We both can't sleep because we get so excited for the next day to start sometimes. I learned from my Dad how to talk to anyone, to feel comfortable enough that everyone is a friend. I love to find that we both do the same kinds of secret project acts of kindness to show love. I love the goofy side of me and the fun stuff that comes from him. I love that he's a huge 6' 4" man and he cries like a baby at anything spiritual and loves a juicy bit of gossip. I love to give him a hug and know how much he misses me too. I love my Dad. I don't even connect him with the bad stuff that happened anymore. This morning, as I lied there and swept the bad memories of scary things out into the middle of my mind because I wanted to see if I had unjustly hurt my Dad's feelings, I realized again that those scary things really did happen and that It's for real that I should really be proud of the person I have become despite the way things were. That is the important lesson and those awful memories... Don't deserve my attention anymore. I wish I could color them blue and label them "forgiven" for next time they creep out of their corners.
What a beautiful life this is. For real.
I know how blessed I am .
Know that I love you and have a blessed day.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


I feel extremely blessed. I had cleaning ladies come yesterday and so I am on cloud nine. it is incredibly gratifying to know that it takes 3 women 3 hours of hard labor to get my house clean. no wonder I cant do it myself and take care of the kids and make dinner too. :)
It's cheesy but I find myself thinking about spiderman. When the grampa tells him "with great strength comes great responsibility." I feel like this applies to me in the way that "With great blessings come great responsibility." I know I have had my challenges and still do but I feel more grateful and unworthy of my life than challenged. And so I feel a push to earn it, if that makes sense? like you're taught by challenges, so if I don't want those, than I should challenge myself by doing good and sharing my blessings. Don't know if that makes sense or sounds proud, but whatever. Anyway, I don't know in what form those opportunities will come in my life but I'm thinking about it especially right now, and also, the ever present question of, how much can you really help someone. I think its a lot more complicated than I once thought.
I keep thinking about the cleaning ladies. They are 3 women (related to each other somehow) that are Cuban I think. They speak only Spanish. I believe they are Pentecostal because they wear skirts and the little head doily. I have wanted a tattoo for a while. One that symbolizes my trials and blessings and relationship to God, but also, looks rad. I do not feel that I would do it out of rebellion. I have lots of reasons for this that are personal and DO NOT want a scolding from anyone in the comments. period. thank you. I know that it would bother people I am close to, and that it sends a certain message to certain folks which is not positive. a lot of me doesn't care but it is enough that I take it into consideration. especially today, because watching these women clean, scrub a bathtub in a skirt, has opened my eyes to that type of sacrifice. How easy would it be to say, well I'm a housekeeper, I need to wear pants to work, but because they didn't do that... I can't speak to them and they can't speak to me but I know that they have love and dedication to God. And I just that and want to emulate it. However, not ready to take out my nose ring just yet :) it's a process this life, right? . anyway. love you. have a great day.!!

Friday, April 29, 2011

spring craziness :)

Our Easter was uneventful. We kept it super simple because life has been crazy lately & Sam was throwing up that morning. Things have been crazy in an awesome way though. At the beginning of march Lucy and I went to AZ for a week to see my sister Teri & her family. When we got back we all went up to GA for my friend's huge 40th b-day party, then my Dad and his wife came. When I see my dad interact with my kids, I can't believe all of my siblings survived childhood. He's so cute and sweet but completely retarded with kids. Lucy was throwing a tantrum because she was hungry & he tried to give her a piece of cheese off the end of a butcher knife! haha. glad I was there for that. he does that stuff all the time. They came to watch our kids while we went on a cruise which was AMAZING of course. we both gained like friggen 10 pounds. We swam with stingrays!! We held them and kissed them! That was the coolest thing I've ever done. And my step mom Tammie is the best Grandma!
My two friends Ashley & Anna came out here for a week to celebrate Ashley's one year of being sober. I can't tell you how wonderful it was and that it is that she's okay :) The boys birthdays happened during that time. We had a combined party for them at the roller skating rink. Lucy LOVED skating & we couldn't believe how well she did, especially when their smallest skates were huge on her! Last week Janet came for a couple of days. It was really nice. We talked a lot and we took her canoeing. I was impressed that she got in & went swimming in the swampy river with the alligators and giant turtles. We are finding some really rad stuff to do out here and amazing restaurants!
We are working on our next adoption. We got our home study just about done & are getting really excited. Don't have quite enough money yet, but I'm sure it will work out. we finally got Lucy's tax credit back which felt like a huge miracle that it came right when we need it to pay for the next one :) I'm pretty obsessed with adoption & was just reading on this site with special needs orphans in Russia & China that need help I think if everyone saw these pictures of these kids, no one would ever drink or do drugs while pregnant. It is tragic and makes me furious. They aren't all caused by that but some are.
Me & Sam just got back from a date. We went to see "Rio" It was super good. & then we went to Coldstone & talked about locomotive trains which are replacing Thomas. what else.. potty training Lucy, painting the toy room light purple. Paul won his tennis game tonight & everyone cheered when he made a hard shot. he loved it!

books: just finished the first 3 books of the "Left Behind" series. It was super interesting just way too dang long. It was written by a minister and is a fictional novel but follows very closely to the book of revelations. So the end of the world is played out in novel form. loved it & it made me nervous :)
Also, I'm reading "the Color of Water" which is a black man's tribute to his white mother. So insightful for me. My dear aunt Bonnie sent it to me.
movies: best scary movie ever!! Insidious!! screamed out loud in the theater like 10 times. (so did everyone else) ghost suspense scary not evil scary. awesome!
Great documentary ; exit through the gift shop. It's about street art. loved it.

Monday, February 28, 2011


Yesterday in Relief society, they were giving a lesson on, actually, I'm not sure what it was on? Simplifying your life or relationships? anyway, it was wonderful. Lots of reminders to slow down and not do so much, which is sort of what I have been trying to make myself do this past year. I find myself making huge to do lists and having ridiculous expectations for myself each day. When I had my panic attacks, I was freaking out that I wasn't getting anything done & everyone kept saying "you don't HAVE to do anything!" And I found that it was true. all these projects and errands and cleaning are not have to things, and most of them can wait! I can give myself time to read and to play with the kids and to go for a walk and to do the project I want to do rather than the one I think needs doing the most. I keep saying, "dude I've lost my give a damn!" and I love it! You would think that now I am super lazy, but not at all! I find that I have time to do the things I want to do instead, also a huge part of that is Tina the cleaning lady :) Yeah I know, you hate me. he he. also, i make my kids clean a lot more than i used to.
Also in the lesson, relationships were discussed. To strengthen the 4 most important relationships in your life (1) with God (2) with your family (3) with your neighbor and (4) with yourself. I made this comment about the relationship with yourself and all the ladies made a sound! an "I love that sound." I didn't realize it was so profound! but, actually it is, so I will write it here.
Several years ago, I had been teaching primary. I was having a horrible, emotional day and the lesson went terribly. I left my class and went outside to go home. This wonderful lady, who's daughter was in my class, stopped me and asked me what was wrong. I poured my heart out and basically just beat myself up. This wonderful lady,Trishia Farr, told me to "stop that right now! There is a little girl still inside of you that you need to be nice to!" She had me put in my mind a picture of myself as a little girl and she said, " Who's going to protect her but you? Heavenly Father loves that little girl!" And I often think of that when I beat myself up. I need to protect that sweet little girl from me. Now, sit and picture your own little girl self and do something nice for her today!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

getting peed on after being vomited on

last week, I awoke in the middle of the night to my darling Sam vomiting on my forehead. He's 5 and I love him more than the world. He is so soft and so cute and so quirky and grouchy and he has the best laugh and sense of humor of any 5 year old ever.
So this week, we drove down to cocoa beach to watch the discovery shuttle launch! It was about 3 hours from our house and just a perfect beach day. it was about 75* and sunny and gorgeous and I had my Paul and Danielle and April there and all the kids! It was a wonderful day that will never be forgotten. for a couple of reasons ; The shuttle launch was awesome! And what happened on the drive down...
Fisher was riding in April's car so me and Paul just had Sam and Lucy. I was driving and we had just got off the freeway in Orlando and into the launch traffic. Paul was going to be late for his surfing lesson, we were out of gas and figuring out that there wasn't a gas station for twenty miles when Sam tells us he has to pee RIGHT NOW. We are in stop and go traffic so I said he should just pee in a water bottle (we do this sometimes). But Paul was looking for a gas station on his phone and so he handed him a big gulp cup. So Sam was very nervous and he tried to put the cup on the seat and stand up to pee in it, but Lucy kept grabbing the cup! Paul was yelling at him to just get away from Lucy, so I just reached back and said I'd hold the cup. Paul is still messing with his phone and I am driving and holding the cup behind me. Then my arm is very warm. then we hear the cup filling, and then we hear nothing and then we hear filling and then splash Paul in the front seat. He starts freaking out and yelling as my arm and seats are hosed again and then we hear the cup filling once more. Paul is furious and flabbergasted. But he has only been splashed. I am dripping in urine and so is MY car! I started laughing so hard I couldn't stop. apparently, you need that bottle shape to tame wayward streams. bless his cute little heart.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


SO I have been in training since October. Holy cow that's a long time! They call in training "fresh meat". I told them I think I am the fresh meat Mascot forever! This is the hardest thing I have ever done!! And I am still just learning to be a competent enough skater. I think it usually takes a lot less time to train then I am taking. There are a couple things that are not in my favor ; #1 I am physically pretty retarded. #2 half of the practices right now occur on Sunday, which means I can only go to practice once a week.
Reasons that it is so dang hard.
* I have never physically exerted myself to the point of sweating much before and I don't much enjoy it.
* I generally get pretty pissed when I get hurt.
* I am nice.
I am feeling pretty patient with myself and am super excited and enjoying the process of getting better all the time, I only worry that the girls don't think I'm serious. I doubt they have any idea how stinking out of my comfort zone I am.
The huge reason that this is hard... Derby girls aren't super friendly.
I go to practice and no one talks to me. They all chat with each other. some of the girls won't smile when I say something funny or they give me one word answers when I ask them about themselves. There are a few that are Wonderfully nice to me though & it means a ton! Stocky Balboa, Rage, Patsy Clothesline & mostly Scrap iron. She's my favorite.

but for the most part, these girls are a different breed.
I have more kids than anyone else and am one of maybe 5 that are married or have kids at all. They are mostly very sporty girls, lots are gay and or have unshaved armpits, which is cool. They are not for the most part lured into derby for the fashion like a certain someone :) I don't know why they don't seem to like me, I think it's more of just disinterest. it doesn't bother me until I'm in physical pain and super exhausted, then I get really irritated. but derr! what did I expect? Anyway, That is how it's going. I can now jump and skate a crossover well, weave through cones, and fall and stop in several fancy and different ways. Reasons that I will keep going;
*It's rad to feel myself getting stronger and more capable.
*It's an interesting social experiment.
*I can't wait to knock some hos down! I'm sorry if this post makes me less cool in your eyes. I'll be a cooler derby girl soon I promise!

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Best Day Ever

I've been meaning to post about this for a couple months. So finally, I'm back! I feel like this new house is coming together and I can breathe a little.
This one is sort of an update of a previous post. The one entitled "Dishes" that I never thought would come to anything. Oh my gosh It came to be the best thing ever.

It was, I think, the end of June. I was supposed to go have lunch at Jennifer's house. I was late. I sorted pottery to Deliver, ran Sammy to Nathan's and got to her house about 25 minutes late. I was feeling so bad for being late. I ran up to the house with my arms full of junk and Jennifer opened the door for me, I breezed through to the kitchen, apologizing for my lateness and feeling like a mess when I noticed everyone standing up at the dining room table. I said something like " Oh no, you aren't waiting to start lunch are you?" I put down all my stuff and walked back in & saw Donna start to cry. Jennifer said, "Well, yes because you're our guest of honor." and I looked around the table and saw all of my beautiful friends standing there starting to cry. I just could not believe it. I couldn't believe this was for me. I felt like I should be crying but I was just so surprised! I went around the table and hugged everyone and when I got to standing behind my seat, commenting on how surprised I was and how beautiful everything was, I looked down at the table and noticed the dishes. It took me a minute to put it together and Jennifer said "and these are your new dishes." And my breathe caught & I felt more loved and more special than I can ever remember feeling. I just stood there and sobbed. and so did everyone else! which I loved. They all went around and told me how they felt about me and about their set of dishes. It was all so gorgeous!

Jennifer's were pink and white with roosters. Danielle's were a bold mix of colors. Donna's had pictures of awesome places to travel. Sara's were star wars complete with Darth Vader mug and original collectors plate. Kim's were a beautiful beach washed white and she made me this gorgeous black and white dessert stand. Kathryn's had pictures of the Eiffel tower. Marj's were her special China she had saved for years ago. April's were her own family set with an awesome red bowl & black bowl she added. This meant so much because she talked about how one of her dishes would be missing and she would think of me. Pam's we're white & gold tea set style. I got two other sets from my best childhood friend Suzie & from my friend Shannon. Each of these sets of dishes are so very unique and just scream of each wonderful friend. I think of them as I eat breakfast from their bowls. I talk about them at the dinner table with new friends who I hope can someday hold a candle to these girls. And when I am sad or I miss their hugs, I close my eyes and go back to standing behind my seat at the table looking at all their crying loving faces. I miss you guys!