Life is wonderful right now. I can honestly say I am so so happy. We are remodeling our kitchen & doing it ourselves. I am having so much fun!! I never knew what I was capable of! However, holy cow what a mess :) There is absolutely drywall dust EVERYWHERE!! most days, there is a huge mess of drywall or wood and sawdust that I clean up and I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping it liveable but it's starting to get to me. I can tell it is, because I have urges to clean things I have never considered cleaning before. suddenly I want to organize all the old picture frames and junk on the bottom of the book shelves. and organize the pantry! I have never in my life felt or thought of having an organized pantry! who cares? well I guess now I do : )
I feel that right now my life is in a state of cleansing and renewal. This morning (it's almost 5 a.m.) I found myself digging into the corners and dust bunnies of my brain. Holy crap, there are still some big scary snotty boogers with red bloodshot eyes lurking up in there! and I'm thinking.."seriously?? after all that therapy!? still?? haha! Do people normally deal with their childhood issues at my age? Am I dwelling or dealing? hmm.
Yesterday Morning my Dad called me and he sounded sad and somber. He calls me all the time and he ALWAYS sounds happy and is just hilarious and a joy to talk to. The missionaries in my ward have been pestering us to make a mormon.org profile, so I did and I posted it to facebook with missionary intentions. I was really happy with it, because it came out well and really is my pure testimony (not in it's entirety). My Patriarchal blessing says that I should "bare my testimony to all who will hear my voice." So I was excited for a perfect opportunity to share.
Anyway, my Dad had read it, it mentions my childhood issues, and he felt really bad. It was so hard to hear him hurt. He was so sweet and again said how sorry he was and that he would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to me. I felt so bad! Because it's not even like that to me! I forgive him completely! I would not go back and change things if I could and I am so grateful for the path that has lead to me who I am. I love my Dad so much! honestly he is one of my favorite people! He calls me with stupid jokes and brightens my day all the time. But mostly, he cares about my life and what's going on in it. That gives me a huge sense of importance in the world where sometimes I feel like just one of a billion Moms. I'm proud that I am like my Dad, that I like to work hard and that my hands are rough from it. We both can't sleep because we get so excited for the next day to start sometimes. I learned from my Dad how to talk to anyone, to feel comfortable enough that everyone is a friend. I love to find that we both do the same kinds of secret project acts of kindness to show love. I love the goofy side of me and the fun stuff that comes from him. I love that he's a huge 6' 4" man and he cries like a baby at anything spiritual and loves a juicy bit of gossip. I love to give him a hug and know how much he misses me too. I love my Dad. I don't even connect him with the bad stuff that happened anymore. This morning, as I lied there and swept the bad memories of scary things out into the middle of my mind because I wanted to see if I had unjustly hurt my Dad's feelings, I realized again that those scary things really did happen and that It's for real that I should really be proud of the person I have become despite the way things were. That is the important lesson and those awful memories... Don't deserve my attention anymore. I wish I could color them blue and label them "forgiven" for next time they creep out of their corners.
What a beautiful life this is. For real.
I know how blessed I am .
Know that I love you and have a blessed day.