spring craziness :)

Our Easter was uneventful. We kept it super simple because life has been crazy lately & Sam was throwing up that morning. Things have been crazy in an awesome way though. At the beginning of march Lucy and I went to AZ for a week to see my sister Teri & her family. When we got back we all went up to GA for my friend's huge 40th b-day party, then my Dad and his wife came. When I see my dad interact with my kids, I can't believe all of my siblings survived childhood. He's so cute and sweet but completely retarded with kids. Lucy was throwing a tantrum because she was hungry & he tried to give her a piece of cheese off the end of a butcher knife! haha. glad I was there for that. he does that stuff all the time. They came to watch our kids while we went on a cruise which was AMAZING of course. we both gained like friggen 10 pounds. We swam with stingrays!! We held them and kissed them! That was the coolest thing I've ever done. And my step mom Tammie is the best Grandma!
My two friends Ashley & Anna came out here for a week to celebrate Ashley's one year of being sober. I can't tell you how wonderful it was and that it is that she's okay :) The boys birthdays happened during that time. We had a combined party for them at the roller skating rink. Lucy LOVED skating & we couldn't believe how well she did, especially when their smallest skates were huge on her! Last week Janet came for a couple of days. It was really nice. We talked a lot and we took her canoeing. I was impressed that she got in & went swimming in the swampy river with the alligators and giant turtles. We are finding some really rad stuff to do out here and amazing restaurants!
We are working on our next adoption. We got our home study just about done & are getting really excited. Don't have quite enough money yet, but I'm sure it will work out. we finally got Lucy's tax credit back which felt like a huge miracle that it came right when we need it to pay for the next one :) I'm pretty obsessed with adoption & was just reading on this site with special needs orphans in Russia & China that need help http://reecesrainbow.org/. I think if everyone saw these pictures of these kids, no one would ever drink or do drugs while pregnant. It is tragic and makes me furious. They aren't all caused by that but some are.
Me & Sam just got back from a date. We went to see "Rio" It was super good. & then we went to Coldstone & talked about locomotive trains which are replacing Thomas. what else.. potty training Lucy, painting the toy room light purple. Paul won his tennis game tonight & everyone cheered when he made a hard shot. he loved it!

books: just finished the first 3 books of the "Left Behind" series. It was super interesting just way too dang long. It was written by a minister and is a fictional novel but follows very closely to the book of revelations. So the end of the world is played out in novel form. loved it & it made me nervous :)
Also, I'm reading "the Color of Water" which is a black man's tribute to his white mother. So insightful for me. My dear aunt Bonnie sent it to me.
movies: best scary movie ever!! Insidious!! screamed out loud in the theater like 10 times. (so did everyone else) ghost suspense scary not evil scary. awesome!
Great documentary ; exit through the gift shop. It's about street art. loved it.

lessons

Yesterday in Relief society, they were giving a lesson on, actually, I'm not sure what it was on? Simplifying your life or relationships? anyway, it was wonderful. Lots of reminders to slow down and not do so much, which is sort of what I have been trying to make myself do this past year. I find myself making huge to do lists and having ridiculous expectations for myself each day. When I had my panic attacks, I was freaking out that I wasn't getting anything done & everyone kept saying "you don't HAVE to do anything!" And I found that it was true. all these projects and errands and cleaning are not have to things, and most of them can wait! I can give myself time to read and to play with the kids and to go for a walk and to do the project I want to do rather than the one I think needs doing the most. I keep saying, "dude I've lost my give a damn!" and I love it! You would think that now I am super lazy, but not at all! I find that I have time to do the things I want to do instead, also a huge part of that is Tina the cleaning lady :) Yeah I know, you hate me. he he. also, i make my kids clean a lot more than i used to.
Also in the lesson, relationships were discussed. To strengthen the 4 most important relationships in your life (1) with God (2) with your family (3) with your neighbor and (4) with yourself. I made this comment about the relationship with yourself and all the ladies made a sound! an "I love that sound." I didn't realize it was so profound! but, actually it is, so I will write it here.
Several years ago, I had been teaching primary. I was having a horrible, emotional day and the lesson went terribly. I left my class and went outside to go home. This wonderful lady, who's daughter was in my class, stopped me and asked me what was wrong. I poured my heart out and basically just beat myself up. This wonderful lady,Trishia Farr, told me to "stop that right now! There is a little girl still inside of you that you need to be nice to!" She had me put in my mind a picture of myself as a little girl and she said, " Who's going to protect her but you? Heavenly Father loves that little girl!" And I often think of that when I beat myself up. I need to protect that sweet little girl from me. Now, sit and picture your own little girl self and do something nice for her today!

getting peed on after being vomited on

last week, I awoke in the middle of the night to my darling Sam vomiting on my forehead. He's 5 and I love him more than the world. He is so soft and so cute and so quirky and grouchy and he has the best laugh and sense of humor of any 5 year old ever.
So this week, we drove down to cocoa beach to watch the discovery shuttle launch! It was about 3 hours from our house and just a perfect beach day. it was about 75* and sunny and gorgeous and I had my Paul and Danielle and April there and all the kids! It was a wonderful day that will never be forgotten. for a couple of reasons ; The shuttle launch was awesome! And what happened on the drive down...
Fisher was riding in April's car so me and Paul just had Sam and Lucy. I was driving and we had just got off the freeway in Orlando and into the launch traffic. Paul was going to be late for his surfing lesson, we were out of gas and figuring out that there wasn't a gas station for twenty miles when Sam tells us he has to pee RIGHT NOW. We are in stop and go traffic so I said he should just pee in a water bottle (we do this sometimes). But Paul was looking for a gas station on his phone and so he handed him a big gulp cup. So Sam was very nervous and he tried to put the cup on the seat and stand up to pee in it, but Lucy kept grabbing the cup! Paul was yelling at him to just get away from Lucy, so I just reached back and said I'd hold the cup. Paul is still messing with his phone and I am driving and holding the cup behind me. Then my arm is very warm. then we hear the cup filling, and then we hear nothing and then we hear filling and then splash Paul in the front seat. He starts freaking out and yelling as my arm and seats are hosed again and then we hear the cup filling once more. Paul is furious and flabbergasted. But he has only been splashed. I am dripping in urine and so is MY car! I started laughing so hard I couldn't stop. apparently, you need that bottle shape to tame wayward streams. bless his cute little heart.

Derby

SO I have been in training since October. Holy cow that's a long time! They call in training "fresh meat". I told them I think I am the fresh meat Mascot forever! This is the hardest thing I have ever done!! And I am still just learning to be a competent enough skater. I think it usually takes a lot less time to train then I am taking. There are a couple things that are not in my favor ; #1 I am physically pretty retarded. #2 half of the practices right now occur on Sunday, which means I can only go to practice once a week.
Reasons that it is so dang hard.
* I have never physically exerted myself to the point of sweating much before and I don't much enjoy it.
* I generally get pretty pissed when I get hurt.
* I am nice.
I am feeling pretty patient with myself and am super excited and enjoying the process of getting better all the time, I only worry that the girls don't think I'm serious. I doubt they have any idea how stinking out of my comfort zone I am.
The huge reason that this is hard... Derby girls aren't super friendly.
I go to practice and no one talks to me. They all chat with each other. some of the girls won't smile when I say something funny or they give me one word answers when I ask them about themselves. There are a few that are Wonderfully nice to me though & it means a ton! Stocky Balboa, Rage, Patsy Clothesline & mostly Scrap iron. She's my favorite.

but for the most part, these girls are a different breed.
I have more kids than anyone else and am one of maybe 5 that are married or have kids at all. They are mostly very sporty girls, lots are gay and or have unshaved armpits, which is cool. They are not for the most part lured into derby for the fashion like a certain someone :) I don't know why they don't seem to like me, I think it's more of just disinterest. it doesn't bother me until I'm in physical pain and super exhausted, then I get really irritated. but derr! what did I expect? Anyway, That is how it's going. I can now jump and skate a crossover well, weave through cones, and fall and stop in several fancy and different ways. Reasons that I will keep going;
*It's rad to feel myself getting stronger and more capable.
*It's an interesting social experiment.
*I can't wait to knock some hos down! I'm sorry if this post makes me less cool in your eyes. I'll be a cooler derby girl soon I promise!

The Best Day Ever

I've been meaning to post about this for a couple months. So finally, I'm back! I feel like this new house is coming together and I can breathe a little.
This one is sort of an update of a previous post. The one entitled "Dishes" that I never thought would come to anything. Oh my gosh It came to be the best thing ever.

It was, I think, the end of June. I was supposed to go have lunch at Jennifer's house. I was late. I sorted pottery to Deliver, ran Sammy to Nathan's and got to her house about 25 minutes late. I was feeling so bad for being late. I ran up to the house with my arms full of junk and Jennifer opened the door for me, I breezed through to the kitchen, apologizing for my lateness and feeling like a mess when I noticed everyone standing up at the dining room table. I said something like " Oh no, you aren't waiting to start lunch are you?" I put down all my stuff and walked back in & saw Donna start to cry. Jennifer said, "Well, yes because you're our guest of honor." and I looked around the table and saw all of my beautiful friends standing there starting to cry. I just could not believe it. I couldn't believe this was for me. I felt like I should be crying but I was just so surprised! I went around the table and hugged everyone and when I got to standing behind my seat, commenting on how surprised I was and how beautiful everything was, I looked down at the table and noticed the dishes. It took me a minute to put it together and Jennifer said "and these are your new dishes." And my breathe caught & I felt more loved and more special than I can ever remember feeling. I just stood there and sobbed. and so did everyone else! which I loved. They all went around and told me how they felt about me and about their set of dishes. It was all so gorgeous!

Jennifer's were pink and white with roosters. Danielle's were a bold mix of colors. Donna's had pictures of awesome places to travel. Sara's were star wars complete with Darth Vader mug and original collectors plate. Kim's were a beautiful beach washed white and she made me this gorgeous black and white dessert stand. Kathryn's had pictures of the Eiffel tower. Marj's were her special China she had saved for years ago. April's were her own family set with an awesome red bowl & black bowl she added. This meant so much because she talked about how one of her dishes would be missing and she would think of me. Pam's we're white & gold tea set style. I got two other sets from my best childhood friend Suzie & from my friend Shannon. Each of these sets of dishes are so very unique and just scream of each wonderful friend. I think of them as I eat breakfast from their bowls. I talk about them at the dinner table with new friends who I hope can someday hold a candle to these girls. And when I am sad or I miss their hugs, I close my eyes and go back to standing behind my seat at the table looking at all their crying loving faces. I miss you guys!

The road to perfection, Expectaions, Trials and Faith

I gave this talk in church today. It was well received :)

The Road to Perfection

Expectations and faith

---When I was engaged and first married, I worked as a dialysis technician.

· The patients came in 3 x’s a week . They were all older people and they would tell me their stories. I quickly noticed a theme of great hardship in their stories, all of them! …

· Betty,

was my first real southerner. She had to leave her home in Tennessee when her husband, who she married at the age of 14 died.

* Sharon,

who had a wonderful laugh, had 9 children who she took with her every day to clean houses to earn enough money to feed them all.

* Howard

wife’s cancer went into remission just as Howard lost his kidneys as a result of his cancer.

-These were some of my favorite patients because of their sweet demeanors and bright outlook on life. They just each seemed calm and easy.

These patients and all the others had all had good times but they all had had heartbreaking, and difficult times too.

I was hoping for a blissful life with my new best friend and I did not want to have a story like all of these. But I felt that I inevitably would!

I want to talk about expectations about this life and the kind of faith & trust in the Lord that we need.

I approached my future with bit of fear, some approach the future with blissful ignorance or with a resolve to make all the right choices and avoid life’s pitfalls. Some go in armed with preparation and an attitude that thy will get through it with the Lords help.

--what were your expectations when you left home or got married?

Very few start out life planning or hoping for; extreme financial trouble, fights with their spouse, infertility, infidelity, depression, illness etc.

--So what can we expect?

Henry B. Eyring, “Adversity,” Liahona, May 2009,

-----Tells us that we can expect an education…

“It is clear that for us to have that gift of Eternal life and to be given that trust, we must be transformed through making righteous choices where that is hard to do. We are prepared for so great a trust by passing through trying and testing experiences in mortality. That education can come only as we are subject to trials while serving God and others for Him.

In this education we experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, the sadness from sin and the joy of forgiveness. That forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which we can only faintly comprehend.”

James E. Faust, “Where Do I Make My Stand?,” Liahona, Nov 2004,

--Tells us that it will be a bumpy road but that we will be guided.

“President Howard W. Hunter once said, “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.” 16 None of us knows the wisdom of the Lord. We do not know in advance exactly how He would get us from where we are to where we need to be, but He does offer us broad outlines in our patriarchal blessings. We encounter many bumps, bends, and forks in the road of life that leads to the eternities. There is so much teaching and correction as we travel on that road. Said the Lord, “He that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.” 17 “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.” 18

---Why do bad things happen to good people?

President Foust says…

“Dr. Arthur Wentworth Hewitt suggested some reasons why the good suffer as well as the wicked: “First: I don’t know. Second: We may not be as innocent as we think. Third: … I believe it is because He loves us so much more than He loves our happiness. (repeat) How so? Well, if on a basis of strict personal return here and now, all the good were always happy and all the bad suffered disaster (instead of often quite the reverse), this would be the most subtle damnation of character imaginable.” 1

President Kimball gave this insightful explanation as to why:

“If pain and sorrow and total punishment immediately followed the doing of evil, no soul would repeat a misdeed. If joy and peace and rewards were instantaneously given the doer of good, there could be no evil—all would do good and not because of the rightness of doing good. There would be no test of strength, no development of character, no growth of powers, no free agency. … There would also be an absence of joy, success, resurrection, eternal life, and godhood.” 2

---Quentin L. Cook, “‘Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time’,” Ensign, Nov 2008

Expanding on the purpose of trials...

“One of the essential doctrines illuminated by the Restoration is that there must be opposition in all things for righteousness to be brought to pass.2 This life is not always easy, nor was it meant to be; it is a time of testing and proving. As we read in Abraham, “And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”

----How do we handle it when hard times come?

President Faust

“ Some, because they lack faith or understanding of the eternal plan, become bitter and lose hope. One such was a 19th-century writer who achieved both success and wealth with his dazzling wit and writing style. His wife came from a religious family, and he wanted to have faith in God but wasn’t really sure God existed. Then he was hit by a series of crushing blows. In 1893 a national financial crisis left him deeply in debt. His oldest daughter died while he was on a speaking tour. His wife’s health failed, and she died in 1904. His youngest daughter died in 1909. His own health declined. His writing, which had formerly been so full of sparkle, now reflected his bitterness. He became progressively depressed, cynical, and disillusioned and remained so until his death in 1910. With all his brilliance, he lacked the inner strength to deal with adversity and simply resigned himself to his misfortunes.

It’s not so much what happens to us but how we deal with what happens to us. That reminds me of a passage from Alma. After a long war “many had become hardened,” while “many were softened because of their afflictions.” 8 The same circumstances produced opposite responses.

-----President Eyring, “Adversity,” Liahona, May 2009, Concerning how we handle our trials

"I have seen faith and courage come from a testimony that it is true that we are being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful disciples. And the disciple who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle."

Like the Lamanites and the Nephites, we can go through hard things and gain nothing but anger or confusion. Or we can learn much.

· For the past 15 years at least, I have battled depression. I know I am not alone in this, so today I am compelled to share a bit.

I always wanted to fight it and keep it at bay so I could handle whatever things would come in my life. During the past couple of months, it developed into a severe anxiety disorder and I realized that this is my trial. I know it isn’t or won’t be my only one but I have learned a great deal about this life and about heavenly Father from it so far.

I was having daily panic attacks, which consist of, for me, racing thoughts, shaking and thrashing about, and hyperventilating. For weeks I was basically frozen in depression and fear. Some of my friends and family thought that this was the work of the devil or that an evil spirit was using my depression to hurt my family. I believed it and felt too weak to fight it. I got worse after that.

Then someone said “Is it possible that this is the Lord, not the Devil, using this as a tool in your life?

We discussed the possible goodnesses that could come from it. Humility, empathy, closeness to Christ. And I realized that I had never prayed so much or felt so desperate for the Lords help. Ever since I realized that this is a trial, given to me as a gift to change me into whoever it is I am supposed to be, so that I can do whatever it is I am supposed to do. I am suddenly accepting and grateful for something I have hated for as long as I can remember. As I am learning to trust the Lord completely, I feel like a new person.

Alma said “I behold that ye are lowly in heart; and if so, blessed are ye.”

----Job Said, speaking of the Lord, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him,” 12 and, “He also shall be my salvation.” 13 Job attested, “For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: and though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.” 14 Job completely trusted the Lord to take care of all of the other concerns.

President Faust;

“As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the words of the Lord: “I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.” 19 Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord."

------Walk with me, Elaine L Jack, 1994, said of our rewards…

“The fruits of eternal progress are manifest in Joy, peace love, hope and increased confidence in the Lord.”

Doctrine and Covenants 68:6

Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come.

***I ask you to look at a hard thing in your life and find the good in it. I believe that if we have reasonable expectations of our lives and the faith to enjoy the ride and “give it to God” That we will be blessed. I have a testimony that we can trust and rely on the Lord in good times
and bad. He knows the path our lives will take and if we can keep our chin up and continue to love him and do his work, our lives will have been beautiful and purposeful. I know that Heavenly Father loves each of you and has a plan for you. I love you all so much and will miss you each terribly but will take you with me in my heart. I love the Lord and his Gospel. I will leave you with a wonderful poem..

*
My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaveth steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow;
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned

*

breathe

it is 6:00 am and I am awake as usual fighting a panic attack. I've done it every morning but one for the last month. Most days I win but this week it's no good. whenever I go ti write here about things like this I hesitate & think I should put it in my journal instead. However, I feel alone when I feel crazy & maybe one of y'all do to.
Every morning I wake up way before I've had enough sleep an I'm shaking and sometimes nauseous & sometimes I can't breathe. I immediately feel scared fro what's to come & my mind races. what to do and how to make it stop. I get scared, frustrated, sad and angry. every morning. today is bad. Usually I try to distract myself with cleaning or getting the kids ready for school and then I go walking at the park which usually fixes me for the rest of the day. usually I'm fine by noon. well the last two days, it's lasted much longer and that terrifies me. the worse things get the more scared I get and then the worse I get. It's still to dark to go walking. I'm shaking and crying and afraid for what the morning holds and if this will ever end. I feel helpless and out of control. I know it's a cycle of fear but I don't have the stregth or knowledge to stop it right now. I thought writing would help but I'm getting worse.
I can't do this alone & the drugs aren't helping. I took an ambien last night and half a xanax this morning. nothing. Paul is wonderful & helpful. I'm scared to imagine if he wasn't here.
sorry for the Debbie Downer post. waah waah.