In the Care of Women

This has been one of the scariest few days that I can remember. This week I lost the baby.
I started to spot on Sunday night and Paul had to go to Florida the next Morning for an interview.
I was left in the care of my Sisters here and I bawl as I try to even describe what They did. One took my kids swimming while Another held my hand, hugged me and rubbed my back while I heard the bad news. One kindly explained that there was nothing I could have done while the Other soothed Lucy who knew something was wrong. Later that day, One took me to a comforting lunch and made me laugh while others called and worried and cared. That night one cleaned and watched the baby as I slept and cried and others shopped, brought muffins and prepared. Another came and talked and listened and cooked and slept here with me. The next Morning One came & took me to the hospital while the Other kept my house and kids. At the Hospital, One who I'd never met held me & prayed for me and my baby as Another was coming in to talk to me & make me laugh. All while another was watching my kids, cleaning out their closet and doing laundry at the same time that others were calling and cooking and caring and bringing as they all did the rest of that day. I have never in my life been so cared for and felt the Hand of God in my life. I've never seen this much love and the world seems lighter to me than it did last week. Which is amazing.
I feel that what happened was just God's will and I feel peace in my heart and that things are turning in a good direction. I am so Grateful for Women.

TWLOHA

I have been hesitant to write about this subject because it is a personal topic. I have decided though that it is good. I believe that I am so not alone in this thing I deal with and I think this is something that absolutely needs to be talked about by all who have it and should not be something hidden. I have depression which most everyone knows, I'm not a hider : ), more than half of my family has it. It is a really confusing thing though because when I think about the fact that my family has it, it becomes a chicken and egg thing. Is my family dysfunctional because of chemical imbalances or are we sad because of dysfunction? that is beside the point. I think sharing is good though because when you have this, you think, I'm the only one who is a mess, no one understands or would want to and if they knew what I'm really like.... The truth is though, that there are tons of us out there and would love and help each other and accept each others messes if we only knew. My hope is that the average Joe would still love us if they did. Everyone has their own freakshow. I hope.
I have been on antidepressants for about 11 years. The medicine has helped me a lot, but there have also been times where it has not helped. Most of the time I am a happy and fun person with a positive view but every so often, I'd guess about twice a year I'm a mess. at least one episode always happens in the winter. By a mess I mean, I cry at least once a day and feel despair. I feel I am not control of the crying and most of the time there's nothing even wrong. I also get frustrated and impatient with everything, as a result of these things, my self esteem suffers and then I am outright depressed. I think one of the hardest things about having this is reconciling it with who I am. I don't want to be that person. I don't want my kids to have a sad Mom. That's the main thing. and my poor husband. He's going strait to heaven.
So anyway about a year ago, I felt like my prozac wasn't working very well and I was having a lot of side effects, so I switched to wellbutrin. While I was on wellbutrin I was a complete psycho and I believe it made me a lot worse. Then I switched to Zoloft which helped my depression but the side effects were overwhelming, including the dulling of every feeling or emotion. I wasn't able to feel happy or spiritual or excited much, but I wasn't crying either.
My angel of a husband did his research and found a book called the depression cure. I have been doing this method for several months and have done really well. There are six parts of the program
*getting enough sleep
*taking omega 3 fish oil
*getting enough sunlight
*exercising
*social interaction
*not ruminating
I have been off of my pills completely for about a month and a half. I use the light box daily which had regulated my sleep and helped a ton. I do everything else pretty well except the exercise of course which I'm still working on. I have been super happy ever since, feeling more joy and being touched and excited more that I have in years. Paul has been gone this week and I've had a lot of time alone, feeling overwhelmed by kids and missing the summer sun and I think I am slipping into a depression but this time I feel that I have tools to fight it instead of feeling victimized and overwhelmed by it. Now I am discovering RUMINATING. I didn't used to thing I did it, but guess what, I totally do! ruminating is focusing on negative thoughts for extended periods of time. way after it is useful. It happens mostly when your mind is idle. while driving or laying in bed at night. The idea is basically to recognize when you're ruminating and then to distract yourself. It makes sense that this will help a ton. So I will do it.
The title of this post is an acronym for "to write love on her arms" which is a movement to recognize That we all know and love someone or are someone who suffers from depression or addiction, and we love you. I learned about this from Ashley, one of my best friends in the world who is beyond awesome and is suffering pretty bad right now. <3
When I wear my twloha t shirt about town & have to explain to friends what it is, most of the time the reaction is " bummer : ) "
yep. and I apologize. But I hope this is useful to someone.

http://www.twloha.com/faq/

wonderful

Today I met the most wonderful man. I went to walmart to run in & get a movie from the redbox (julie & Julia which I loved) and of course went in & filled my arms with junk. I went to check out & the lines were crazy. I got in the self checkout line which got shorter over time, not because people were checking out but were leaving the line. I finally made it to the front where a woman was trying to scan an enormous cart filled with groceries & the angry machine kept prompting her to wait for assistance. It looked like she would never finish when I realized the pie I had picked out was SUGAR FREE!! da dun dunnn.. so I ran over & switched pies and came back & got in the back of another line. I noticed a man in the line next to mine moving all his groceries to the front of heis cart. He looked up at me with my arms bursting with cereal boxes and pie and said "Here put your groceries in here and go in front of me." I said "well no that's okay. why?" he said. "I saw you waiting before. go ahead." He asked me about my families christmas and told me about his. His wife had surgery & he told me all about his wife & then showed me her picture. It was a family picture with his only daughter in it too. I pointed at her and he said, yes, she's special needs, her name is Brittany, the joy of our life." I told him about Tiffany & we talked about their health a bit. Brittany has spina bifida and is 25. As we walked outside he said Tiffany is a beautiful name & that he knows she's with Jesus. I told him that I thought his daughter was so lucky to have him. He said that they are so blessed to have her. I got in my car and had my yearly Christmas Tiffany cry. I miss her and I feel blessed by her and I feel happy for her. Meeting wonderful strangers gives me more Faith than anything else.

renewing thoughts

I have been thinking a lot lately about something. I think it is normal to have negative thoughts and to get irritated at thing and people. I have a few people in my life that I am super close to that I will purge my ugly thoughts and feelings to and I have always seen it as a confirmation of our closeness that I can be my ugly self with them & they still love me & do it in return. Recently though, stuff happens and I'm all cheesed or think its a juicy bit & I'll go & call my sister or tell Paul. I used to feel understood & relieved after, but lately, I just feel ugly after. nothing is gained. Why give attention to the ugly things in life? This doesn't sound like me at all! Is this growing up? hmm. I love positive people. but I love real people too. However there is the 13th? article of faith I believe. seeking after things that are lovely or of good report. I think I prefer that and finally understand it. I do not promise you will not hear all kinds of junk coming out my mouth. But I am hoping to become a much more positive person. I can feel Paul praising the Lord right now! bless his heart. he puts up with a lot : )

Disney land!

Here come a million pictures!! We had the best trip ever! The beach was a bit cold but the boys jumped and played in the water, I took a long walk, I layed on Paul's lap & we read our book to each other. we drew pictures & our names in the sand including all the spongebob characters, then me & Sam played Patrick & Spongebob jellyfishing! That was the best. Lucy ate so much sand that you could make a castle from what we're still finding in the diapers : ) She loved it. We went to a dumpy crab place for dinner where the restaurant owner and 6 women all surrounded me & Lucy. I don't want to be a braggy parent but carrying Lucy around is rediculous and was specially at Disney. She gets stared at and even with a sandy afro can draw a crowd that would make Lindsey Lohan blush. Disney got off to a rough start. Sam Paul & Fish stood in line for the Mountain train for exactly one hour & when it was time to get on the ride, Sam freaked out & refused to go so they all didn't go on it. Paul & Sam had it rough for a while after that. Notice the terrified eyebrows on Sam on the Safari ride. So me & Fisher paired up & bonded together. I kept feeling the magic & starting to cry. The Mickey & Walt Disney Statue always gets me. I guess the Zoloft is finally out of my system : ) The castle was SO beautiful. The kids, especially Lucy, loved the light parade. It was weird to be on the rides with my kids. on the small world and the haunted mansion it was like yesterday I was a little girl sitting next to my mom. <3 special. At the end they had fireworks over the castle and they made it snow with bubbles. unforgettable moments.

Flahrida

This year instead of presents we took our little family to Disneyworld for Christmas! We went to sea world today & it was rad. They have a polar express experience where you end up at the north pole. It was so magical with beluga whales and walruses and Santa & a polar bear and hot chocolate. That was Sam's favorite. Shamu was everyone's favorite! For Fisher's souvenir he got a to get an oyster from a diver & then they opened it to give him a real pearl! A real pearl has always been his dream his other dream is to be a Shamu trainer. Lucy has been an angel all day even though she is sick with a terrible cough and cold. Me and Sam went on the Atlantis ride together which was creepy as heck. I felt bad for him but it made him feel brave.
It was like 50 degrees today & the locals say that's really cold for Christmas here. It is sunny and so beautiful. Paul wants to live in Florida forever bbut he thinks his chances of getting a job here are not good. I miss the snow for Christmas a lot this year. Tomorrow we are going to the beach & then the next Day to Disney World!! I cant wait for that! I have a recurring problem though. whenever I'm excited for something like I was last night and I always am Christmas eve & such, I can't go to sleep & then I'm super tired for the exciting thing. dumb! I feel very blessed and happy.

tis the season

Tonight we went out Christmas shopping. It went good and I felt that we were efficient. Sam didn't have as good of time as everyone else and was sent directly to bed when we got home. But this is beside the point. Before target we went to Chick fil-a ( sp? ) where they were having some crazy hubbub where an elementary school was having a fundraiser where the student choir sang happy Christmas music & their parents took up all the tables. It was very happy & Christmassy but there were some seriously bad notes hit by soloists who were obviously chosen via eenie meenie miny mo. This kind of singing makes Paul want to crawl out of his skin, which I enjoy a lot. After we left Paul said, you know that choir director probably spent the last six months working on that. I wonder if he goes home and night & thinks to himself, I'm wasting my life.
I love Paul.